“I Don’t Need You to Heal”

learning to thrive without them + an update on preorder thank you gifts

I woke up on Saturday, March 16, 2024 to a notification on my phone—a reminder to practice self-compassion throughout the day.

Four years ago on the evening of March 16, 2020, I sat at a conference table, crying, while Tyler (who I often refer to as Mr. Jenai Auman on social media) asked our pastors why they were giving me an “informal off-ramp”.

If you follow along with me on Instagram or Threads, you’ll know I briefly mentioned how I’ve tried to redeem March 16th in years past. I’ve tried to do something to make the day less difficult and more special. But this year, I didn’t feel the need.

I have met with a couple of my former pastors a few times over the course of the last four years. I met with one as recently as last month. Yes. The same men who informally “off-ramped” me. When I met them shortly after leaving my former church back in 2020, my armor was always up. Tears were at the ready. I was meeting with them hoping they would finally hear me.

Something in me has changed since. It wasn’t abrupt. The shift was slow and gradual. Time, distance, and intention helped transform where I rooted my identity. Ultimately, my identity has been detangled from my former church—a space and a people that required me to be small and subordinate. I was healing. So, when I met with my former pastor and friend last month, there was no armor. Only authenticity. I could show up as myself. I didn’t feel the compulsion to convince him my perspective mattered. I could stand steadfast in the truth of my experience without his support.

I no longer feel the need to “redeem” the day my brothers and pastors circled the wagons against me because I no longer yearn for the places and spaces from which they excluded me. I no longer yearn for their affirmation because their affirmation often required my assimilation.

Many of us do yearn for affirmation from powerful people positioned to shepherd and disciple us. Don’t feel shame for that. Finding affirmation and kinship with others is baked into our DNA. But the wisdom we gain over time and through a life of experience guides us not only to people who will empower us. Wisdom and experience also steer us away from those who have proven they will work to disempower us.

There is usually no armor up when I meet with former friends and pastors from my previous church because I’ve learned the goodness in being able to affirm myself. In our meeting, he asked me, “What does healing look like?”

I responded for clarification, “Healing for me? Healing for you? Healing between us?”

He replied with something like, “All of the above.”

I looked at him in the eye, and I was able to say, “I don’t need you to heal.”

It may never be safe for you to ever meet with the people who have caused you harm. My hope for you is that you encounter others in your life who are willing to hold your story with you. I hope you meet people of compassionate who want to sit next to you and journey alongside you. I hope you find caring people who help you root your identity in the God of Goodness.

Healing is possible, even if you never receive the apology your heart longs for. We might never see the people who harmed us walk in repentance. It takes tremendous courage and bravery to believe that you can heal anyway.

And one day, maybe out loud or maybe just to yourself, you’ll be able to say of them, “I don’t need you to heal.”

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Updates on OTHERED

First, while Othered isn’t a memoir, it does include pieces of my story. You’ll read all about my “informal off-ramp,” and the “apologies” I received from my pastors. And I’ll share how I connected and found belonging in the God of Goodness who never plasters over or bypasses our pain.

If you haven’t preordered yet, I have a few buttons here for you:

There WILL be an audiobook version available in the future.

I received word that I do have the honor of reading my own audiobook (something I know isn’t afforded to all first time authors), and it looks like I’ll be recording the narration within the next month. 💃

For Those Who Preorder ⬇️

I’ve been preparing some preorder thank you gifts to make available to you all in the next few months. Most of them will be in the form of a digital download made available through SubStack (so stay subscribed if you want additional info).

But I’ve also illustrated and printed many of these fun stickers.

If you’re unfamiliar with the design, it is a finger prayer labyrinth. Many churches, contemplative spaces, and retreat centers have a large prayer labyrinth on their grounds that visitors can walk while praying. You can visit this LABYRINTH LOCATOR and potentially find a labyrinth near you.

A finger prayer labyrinth sticker is something you can stick on the inside of a journal and trace with your own hand. It’s a simple spiritual practice you can use to help you re-center on the goodness of God’s presence. It might be a great spiritual practice to try if you’ve found other spiritual practices difficult to engage.

I’ll have a limited number of these prayer labyrinth stickers available for those who preorder!

If you’re interested in a sticker or the digital downloads I mentioned above, I’ll send out a form for you to fill out in my next Substack post. Be sure you’ve already preordered; then, have your preorder information handy when you go to fill out the form. I will send out stickers on a first-come, first-served basis. For those who do not receive a sticker, the prayer labyrinth will be made available to all via digital download.

To help me ensure I order enough stickers, please answer this poll if you have preordered and would like a sticker.

If you think Othered or any of these preorder goodies might be of interest to someone you know, please consider sharing this post with them and reminding them to subscribe. Sharing about Othered is the simplest way to help me promote my debut book.

Wait! There’s more!

I’m facilitating the Contemplative Activism and Spiritual Formation Cohort in the next PAX Fellowship. 💃

I’ll be facilitating a cohort where we’ll discuss the importance of nervous system regulation AND dysregulation, contemplative practices that fosters holistic formation, all in the service of helping us better love God and our neighbors as ourselves.

The PAX Fellowship is for BIPOC folx (roughly between the ages of 25-35), and it starts this fall. Applications are open today and close later this summer.

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You can find past posts from Othered by visiting jenaiauman.substack.com